Sunday, May 31, 2009

Almost 4 months since I last posted. I know that I have readers who follow my blog, and I'm sure you'd want to know why it has been so long.

It all began back in 2007. We had been learning to drive, and had *Beau trained. Both of us really enjoy driving, but the arena we had built in 2004 while lovely, is a bit narrow for turning the cart. It is amazing what an extra 12 feet can do for your turning radius. We decided to have another built. Our original building is 60 ft X 120 ft; we decided to go for 72ft X 150 and having actually 140 ft to use and 10 ft for storing the carts.

Additionally, we thought we would like to expand our business by offering lessons. I began studying with a local Centered Riding (c) instructor, planning to work towards my certifications with them. I chose CR because it had helped *me* so much. What my overall goal was to be able to offer instruction to those people allergic to horses.

Because we had so enjoyed working with the company that built the first arena, we chose to contract with them for the second one.

Less than six months from the day the company arrived to erect the building, on the morning of February 14, 2008 we awoke to mangled steel and ripped tarp. The entire building was gone; unuseable; demolished.

Although I am not free to talk about the WHY of the building falling, nor will I mention the WHO of the company that built it, because we have had to enter litigation concerning this; I am free to talk about what this has done to me.

I have trouble looking at the ruin (we had to leave it until all "parties" involved decided they really should visit the site); each time I see it, I don't see it. I have built walls around my heart so that I don't feel anything. But the truth is, I do feel. I feel pain, I feel the dissolution of dreams, I feel the lethargy, the inability to carry-on. Finally, about 2 weeks ago, I was able to admit that I really do have some depression over the point that I have trouble working with my horses at all. This inner voice asks constantly, "What is the point?"

And because there are expenses involved, and we have horses to feed too, I have had to go to work away from the farm. This pulls me away from the horses even more, so I find myself in the cycle of "I don't want to work with the horses....I do want to but don't have the time....I feel guilty I'm not working with the horses.....I don't want to work with..." etc., etc., etc.

I found that this cycle is touching other parts of my life as well. I love photography, I love taking pictures of those beings I am blessed to share life with, but I have a listlessness to get out and take pictures. Without new pictures, why keep the website updated? I have to be careful when I take the pictures and try NOT to let the fallen arena be in them, so.... I always loved working on the, I don't.

To make matters worse, even though I am feeling depressed, that aspect can in no way be used in the litigation. Why? Because most likely it will be settled out of court, and not be in front of a jury. Although the falling arena has had life changing implications for me; has mangled my dreams; no one will be held accountable for that.

This hole that I am in, I have to find my own way out of. I'm sure I will, but after almost a year and half of living with this, I decided I had to write about it.

My mother always said that every black cloud had a silver lining; I've typically found her to be correct. Yet this black cloud is immense, thick, and dark. I've yet to find that lining; I'm hopeful that I will eventually.